Miss USA 2011 Evening Gown Portrait Photos: The "Miss Messes" And Why...

Too-High Slits, Stripper Heels, Cruella De Vil Hair, Gay Pride Parade Drag Queens and Anchor Tattoos??? Seriously...It's The Miss USA 2011 Evening Gown Portraits!!!!!

Well, kids, it's Beauty Pageant Time once again! And I, for one, am THRILLED! The Miss USA 2011 Pageant will air on June 19th (PM (EST) LIVE from Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino in Las Vegas Nevada. The 51 contestants have already arrived from all over the country to have their fittings, begin rehearsals, photo-ops and get generally ready for the Final Night. As always, the Miss USA website puts up photos of the contestants in their Swimsuits and Evening Gowns--the "Evening Gown Portraits". Now, these are NOT necessarily the actual FINAL Gowns they will wear on the FINAL night (A LOT, reserve a "very special" gown for that!). But still, it does give a good indication of their "taste level" and well, how "Gown-Savvy" and "Not-So-Gown-Savvy" these women are. So, even though these ARE NOT NECESSARILY the Final Gowns they will wear on the Telecast if they make it to the Top, I still have to give my "Nick Beauty Pageant Gown Two Cents"...

We will begin with "The Miss Messes":

Miss Maine USA: Bless her heart! Miss Maine USA Ashley Lynn-Marble. One question: WHY oh WHY, the Cruella De Vil Hair?? I mean, really. Also, she's so pretty (and only 27 years old) but with this "Mother-of-the-Bride" halter-style sequin-embroidered gown--plus that hair and make-up--she looks like a 42 year old "Real Housewife of Orange County"! And she HAD to add the earrings AND the TWO--not just ONE--crystal bracelet/cuffs. Overkill darlin'
Miss Massachusetts USA: The lovely Alida D'Angona, Miss Massachusetts USA, took the whole "I-Love-Me-A-Slit" thing to an ENTIRE new level! And by that, she actually TOOK her slit to a NEW LEVEL: To the Empire Waist!! Check that out in the above photo. It wasn't enough that the SLIT already goes up to her nether-regions but then, the designer--or her--decide "Nope, let's just take that slit up to my Under-Bust". At least they added a sheer-and-sequined panel to add a little more "Klass". Yes, with a Capital "K". Part of me feels like I would LOVE to have many a Di Saronno "on the rocks" with her!

Miss Delaware USA: Oh HUNEY. At a brief first glance of this photo, I actually thought Katie Hanson, Miss Delaware USA was holding up her dress and her boobie area (sorry for the Kindergarten-speak). But then, I realized, nope, she's just caressing her hair. Um...OK. But let's discuss the gown: Baby Blue, Strapless, Sequins, Shirring, Chiffon, AND FEATHERS!!! Wow. Why do I feel like she's about to take it all off and do a Dita Von Teese "Feathered Fan Dance"? Also, Ladies, Strapless gowns are NOT made for BIG BREASTED ladies. Why do you wear them? When you do, the above happens, it begins to slip down and looks far too low on the torso area. Lesson No. 56: A Strapless gown should really begin about 1"- 1 1/2" below the armpit area (at the side) NOT THREE inches (Note to Miss Massachusetts also).

Miss Arizona USA: Well Well Well. Look what we've got here on Miss Arizona USA Brittany Dawn Brannon. Correct me if I'm wrong but is her TRAIN longer than the one on the former Kate Middleton-now-Catherine Duchess of Cambridge's wedding gown??? There is NO REASON for a gown like this to have a "Cathedral Train". None. There is FAR too much polyester charmeuse up in there. All I wanna do is get some Chardonnay, Artisanal Cheeses, sit down and set up a picnic on top of it!

Miss Michigan USA: One Word: Grrrrrr!!!! The UBER gorgeous (and one of my current faves-just look at that face!) Channing Pierce is not doing herself any favors by wearing this animal-print lingerie-inspired dress to her "Miss USA Evening Gown Portrait". It's very Cavalli-meets-Trashy Lingerie. The one good thing is that at least she kept the hair and make-up soft and not over-done. At least she still looked 24, not 44 (like some of the other lovely contestants).

Miss Rhode Island USA: Kate McCaughey's gown is very "Pageant 101", I've seen this one too many times in Downtown LA at those Pageant-Prom-Quinceañera shops. Nothing against it, "Safe Pageant" you might say. But what I do have a hoot-and-holler time with is...(Look up above, yes at her feet!) Is she showing us her ANCHOR TATTOO??? And why? At first I looked down there because of those over-the-top sequin strappy platforms, but then I was distracted--by THE TATTOO!! Oh Huney. Let me guess, she either:
A) loves sailing
B) her father is a Captain of a boat
C) Her boyfriend is a Marine or
D) Someone went on a Cruise to Cabo and this is what happened.
Either way, not "Miss USA Evening Gown Portrait" appropriate. Save this for your audition at "Scores".

Miss Nevada USA: I've saved the BEST "Miss Mess" for last. And the Winner is...Miss Nevada USA, Sarah Chapman!! Let's just begin with the fact that, just from looking at this photo, I think I would have a GREAT time hanging out with her! She looks so SASSY! In addition, who in their right mind would wear a MESS of a Dress like this one above? She must be crazy-fun. But still, this looks like my fellow Season 2 Project Runway contestant Santino Rice's dress for the Figure Skating Challenge!! It also reminds me of something a Drag Queen would wear atop a Gay Pride Parade float as well! And because of this, she gets my "Miss Mess of The Week" Nick Award.

I Love Me some Pageants..and Pageant Gowns...
Stay Tuned for my "Miss Best Gowns"...